Monday, July 18, 2011

Entering the Fear

Another set of hot and humid days has sapped my energy and forced me down into the basement to work. I started the day doing quarterly sales tax filing, preparing paperwork for my DBA (Doing Business As) license, and updating my website some more.  This was all rather uncreative work, which started to frustrate me somewhat because despite my low energy due to the weather, I am feeling deeply motivated by the creative work that I am doing now.  However, much of this work requires a large amount of energy and focus, which just isn't possible for me this time of year.

So, I decided instead of getting myself frustrated and waste my limited energy, I spent some time contemplating the nature of work that I am doing.   Rather than talk about the pieces themselves, which are not ready to be shown just yet, I thought it might be interesting to share the process and why I am doing what I am doing. In particular, Why am I exploring the chakras?

After I finished the painting Etain, the fourth in the series of Ancient Irish Goddess-inspired paintings, which explored the elements and energies associated with the different Goddesses.  I realized it was important to balance these paintings with God-inspired paintings and came up with the idea of exploring the masculine energies associated with the elements in paintings that corresponded to the Goddess paintings.

The idea was there, but accessing the masculine has never been a strong skill for me.  Childhood experiences, long forgotten memories began to rise, and with them fears that I thought I had let go of long ago.  I wasn't debilitated by these fears, but I was not certain how to approach the masculine paintings in a way that was not skewed by my past experiences.  I wanted something balanced and also something that was fresh and not just a rehashing of old concepts.  The harder I tried, the further away I got from the concept. I began to feel, oddly enough, disconnected from my own body. 

So the idea to do a series of paintings based on the chakras as a way of balancing my energies and reconnect me to my body again, while I did more research and exploration of the masculine archetypes.  What I didn't expect was how much energy these paintings would demand.  Drafting the knotwork that would comprise a major part of the painting was technically difficult, but the actual energy that went into painting the first piece has been surprisingly intense.

Work on the root chakra has me starting at the base, tapping into the primal energy and, as a result, stirring up the very things that started arising when I approached the masculine archetypes.  It seems that no matter what I work on, I am at a place where these memories, fears, and feelings must be addressed.  So that is where I am.  How will I do it?

Right now, I don't know.  For the time being I am learning to sit with these feelings and just be with them.  It isn't easy.  The adventure begins...

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